An Overwhelming Fear

I’m starting to get nervous that it’s coming back. I’ve come so far since everything took a change for the better and I fear that I’m getting ready to fall right back to where it once was. Last night at the volleyball game it hit again for the four time this week. Maybe I’m stressed and I don’t know it. I do have a lot going on right now. Cheer has been a little overwhelming with Nationals coming up and I have no idea what I’m doing when I graduate. But really, that isn’t something that should trigger this to happen. I guess my biggest fear is that I will start to loss more and at this point I don’t really have anything to lose. My first reaction is to run to those that helped me though this last year, but some of those people I can’t run to anymore which makes it even harder at times. I guess, in a since, it’s a good thing because it makes me run to God first. I know that God is good, He is the great Physician and His healing hand is over me. I just pray that my heart and my head will connect together because my fears are starting to overwhelm me.

SPRING BREAK '07

My last spring break consisted of a mixture between work and relaxation. RA duty started Friday and went through the weekend. Caught a couple people past hours in the apartments.
I know… CBU gone wild : )
I think my highlight was when I caught a girl past hours and the guy came to the door and started shaking uncontrollably. It was hilarious, but I think you had to be there.
Monday thru Wednesday I worked in the bookstore. ALL DAY. Who does that on spring break? I guess it was ok since I got to work with Zack and Brad. They make working pretty fun.
Wednesday I took off for San Diego where I got to hangout with a high school friend of mine. I just love hanging out with old friends that know me inside and out. Not that I don’t have any here, but it’s just different when you have shared so many memories together. She took me around San Diego and we got to see Sea Lions (one of my favorites) and of course the sunset was amazing as it fell into the water!

Thursday I drove home for gymnastics but ended up getting sick : (
Friday was fun at the beach, lying out under sun soaking up as much sun as I could. Merrille's parents have a sweet condo out in Newport so I met up with some CBU people and we chilled that night at the condo and roasted marshmellows by the electrical fire pit.

Saturday we cheer practice all day! 10am-4pm. It was much needed since we leave for nationals on Tuesday and we just finished learning the routine. I really do love Cheer, I just hate it when I go into a competition feeling unprepared and bodies flying into my face doesn't help too much either! As much as I have said I regret doing it... deep down inside I don't.

I ended Spring break by going out with Ash, Pacs, Alana, and Sarai to Saddleback Ranch Chop House in L.A. There was a mechanical bull that Ash almost rode. I tried to get her to do it... so did the guy working it :) The atmosphere kind of reminded me of a Coyote Ugly... not like I've been there but just from watching the movie.

All in all it was a pretty eventful spring break. Weird to think that it will be the last one... well with all of us together atleast.

Never Enough

It’s been one of those days where from every direction I’m hearing that I’m not good enough. I’m not a good enough youth leader. I’m not a good enough R.A. I’m not a good enough cheerleader. I’m not a good enough student. I can’t give what everyone is demanding of me right now. As far as the youth goes, I have such a strong passion for these kids, but I just don’t have the time too invest in them when I am trying to invest in my residents as an RA, my friends here at CBU, my cheer squad, and the list goes on. I look at Christ and see how he only had 12 that he invested in, but I find myself always getting suck in this place where I overstretch myself and them hear from all areas that I’m so busy and I’m never around. I guess a commitment to Sunday’s and phone calls during the week aren’t good enough for other leaders. As far as cheer goes, we leave for Nationals in a week and as a whole we are not at all prepared to go. I know it’s just cheer, but I take what I do seriously. Obviously I suck as a back spot when the flyer comes crashing down on my head every time!
Yeah, laugh all you want, but you have a girl come flying at your face and then see if you laugh!
I freakin have welts for crying out loud on my face and bruises on my arms. Why the heck did I decide to do this… once again, I try to do too many things at once. Yes, this lesson I should have been learned a long time ago! As an R.A. I just feel like time has become an issue and I’m “never around” or so I get from my residence even though I try my best of visiting once a week… but obviously my best isn’t good enough.
And last of the list, school. I worked by butt off sitting in isolated rooms studying day in and day out for my classes to get… NO WHERE! I obviously am not good enough to get into nursing and now have no future and no direction in life at the current moment. I know God is sovereign and has an amazing plan for my life; I’m just at the moment scared of the unknown. I guess it’s just hard when I am trying my best in all areas of life and it just doesn’t seem to be good enough to those around me.

I'm Back!

So, after a long and thought out process, I decided to come back to the world of blogs. Not like anyone really read mine in the first place, but it’s just nice sometimes to let my emotions out. So, for those of you that find me, I welcome you one step closer into the mind of Hooch!


This week has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. I found out at the beginning of this week that I was rejected from the one and only grad school I applied to and later found that there was a glitch in their computer system and it completely overlooked my file. I should have been accepted but they already have the maximum amount of students for the fall.

So… thank you Western! (sarcastic)

The odd thing is that I feel at peace about not getting accepted. I just don’t know if this is God redirecting my career or just schools? When it comes down to it, I just don’t know what I want to do with my life. I really don’t know why I’m going into nursing. I guess through all the hospital visits I was inspired, but I really can’t picture myself working in a hospital. But then again, I can’t picture myself anywhere at the moment. A part of me would love to work in ResLife, but then I question myself as to why. Do I only want to do ResLife because it’s comfortable and it would keep me in a familiar environment or has God really placed these desires in my heart to guide me into my future career? The odd thing is that through all the crap I’ve gone through with ResLife, I still love it. But then again, a good friend of mine once said that I’m like an abused wife who keeps coming back from more beatings which hasn’t left my mind since. It’s just too much to think about and when I do I get overwhelmed and shut down but I have to face my future sooner than later and I better have a plan when the present runs out. If I decide to go into nursing, I have to wait a year till the next application process begins which leaves me working or doing what for a year? I could work as an ARD which makes me really excited just thinking about it, but I don’t want to stay just because it’s comfortable… I don’t want to be the bird that is too afraid to fly out of the nest (which I am).

Currently I feel like I’m in the middle of the desert and I can’t figure out which way is north and which way is south. I have no idea where to go from here since my one and only plan feel through. So, now I wait and pray for God’s guidance into the future which scares the living daylights out of me but I know HE has an amazing plan for me. . . It’s the waiting that I hate. There are so many other things that have been weighing on my heart this week, but as the title goes… you only get one step today.